Being Mortal

My father was vehemently outspoken on many topics.  One that he often discussed was end-of-life care and death.  He didn't want to be kept alive on machines; he had a horror of being bedridden; he wanted to be cremated after he died.  My mother, on the other hand, never discussed those topics; she dismissed them as "morbid."
Naturally, my mother was the first one to get sick. She had breast cancer at age 65, then bone cancer five years later, a large inoperable tumor on her hip.  We all knew she needed a health care power of attorney form, and nobody wanted to talk about it.
I waited until we were having lunch, and then said, "Dad, you know how you always say you don't want to be kept alive in the hospital if you get sick?  You should fill out a health care power of attorney."
He said, "That's a great idea. Let's do that."
Mom: "I guess I might as well do one too..."
Weeks later, the tumor had grown so large that it broke her hip.  She was hospitalized, and died a week later. My father agonized because she would never talk to him about what she wanted done with her body after death. He wanted to have her cremated, but was uncertain about it. My sister-in-law finally insisted that in one of our many conversations about my dad wanting to be cremated, she has asked my mother, "Is that what you want too?" and that my mother had said yes.
My father lived for three years after my mother died.  He was diagnosed with an abdominal aortal aneurysm, which began leaking on September 11, 1997. He was conscious when he went into the hospital and refused surgery, and died early in the morning on September 12.
I have always been grateful that my father's outspokenness made things easier for us as a family; we knew what he wanted and were able to be sure that he got it. I was reminded of this recently while reading Atul Gawande's outstanding new book, Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End.

My capsule review:
Being Mortal
Atul Gawande
Metropolitan Books (MacMillan)

Vital and thought-provoking, Being Mortal is a frank look at aging and death in today's society.  Gawande details how our unwillingness to discuss or face the inevitable can lead to unnecessary suffering, and how our social and medical infrastructure often fails to help the aging and the terminally ill.  But it's not all bad news -  Gawande balances out the picture with outstanding work being done to improve quality of life, and an honest look at what we all should do to prepare for old age and death.  Gawande is a wonderful writer, and Being Mortal is a must-read.

Dr. Gawande on the Daily Show: http://thedailyshow.cc.com/guests/atul-gawande/hz2xb6/atul-gawande